Into the mind of a lost little girl...

lostinasong9 @ 2007-10-16T16:33:00

2007-10-16T23:40:17Z

I love Mucha, always have.
I think its because my mom used to have this metal Mucha Whitmans box she would keep special pictures and notes it. I would always look at the girl on the box and think she was what beauty was supposed to be.

its him

2007-10-14T19:43:29Z

Let It Enfold You

either peace or happiness,
let it enfold you

when I was a young man
I felt these things were
dumb, unsophisticated.
I had bad blood, a twisted
mind, a precarious
upbringing.

I was hard as granite, I
leered at the
sun.
I trusted no man and
especially no
woman.

I was living a hell in
small rooms, I broke
things, smashed things,
walked through glass,
cursed.
I challenged everything,
was continually being
evicted, jailed,in and
out of fights, in and out
of my mind.
women were something
to screw and rail
at, I had no male
freinds,

I changed jobs and
cities, I hated holidays,
babies, history,
newspapers, museums,
grandmothers,
marriage, movies,
spiders, garbagemen,
english accents,spain,
france,italy,walnuts and
the color
orange.
algebra angred me,
opera sickened me,
charlie chaplin was a
fake
and flowers were for
pansies.

peace an happiness to me
were signs of
inferiority,
tenants of the weak
an
addled
mind.

but as I went on with
my alley fights,
my suicidal years,
my passage through
any number of
women-it gradually
began to occur to
me
that I wasn't different

from the
others, I was the same,

they were all fulsome
with hatred,
glossed over with petty
greivances,
the men I fought in
alleys had hearts of stone.
everybody was nudging,
inching, cheating for
some insignificant
advantage,
the lie was the
weapon and the
plot was
empty,
darkness was the
dictator.

cautiously, I allowed
myself to feel good
at times.
I found moments of
peace in cheap
rooms
just staring at the
knobs of some
dresser
or listening to the
rain in the
dark.
the less I needed
the better I
felt.

maybe the other life had worn me
down.
I no longer found
glamour
in topping somebody
in conversation.
or in mounting the
body of some poor
drunken female
whose life had
slipped away into
sorrow.

I could never accept
life as it was,
i could never gobble
down all its
poisons
but there were parts,
tenous magic parts
open for the
asking.

I re formulated
I don't know when,
date, time, all
that
but the change
occured.
something in me
relaxed, smoothed
out.
i no longer had to
prove that I was a
man,

I did'nt have to prove
anything.

I began to see things:
coffee cups lined up
behind a counter in a
cafe.
or a dog walking along
a sidewalk.
or the way the mouse
on my dresser top
stopped there
with its body,
its ears,
its nose,
it was fixed,
a bit of life
caught within itself
and its eyes looked
at me
and they were
beautiful.
then- it was
gone.

I began to feel good,
I began to feel good
in the worst situations
and there were plenty
of those.
like say, the boss
behind his desk,
he is going to have
to fire me.

I've missed too many
days.
he is dressed in a
suit, necktie, glasses,
he says, "I am going
to have to let you go"

"it's all right" I tell
him.

He must do what he
must do, he has a
wife, a house, children.
expenses, most probably
a girlfreind.

I am sorry for him
he is caught.

I walk onto the blazing
sunshine.
the whole day is
mine
temporailiy,
anyhow.

(the whole world is at the
throat of the world,
everybody feels angry,
short-changed, cheated,
everybody is despondent,
dissillusioned)

I welcomed shots of
peace, tattered shards of
happiness.

I embraced that stuff
like the hottest number,
like high heels, breasts,
singing,the
works.

(dont get me wrong,
there is such a thing as cockeyed optimism
that overlooks all
basic problems just for
the sake of
itself-
this is a shield and a
sickness.)

The knife got near my
throat again,
I almost turned on the
gas
again
but when the good
moments arrived
again
I did'nt fight them off
like an alley
adversary.
I let them take me,
i luxuriated in them,
I bade them welcome
home.
I even looked into
the mirror
once having thought
myself to be
ugly,
I now liked what
I saw,almost
handsome, yes,
a bit ripped and
ragged,
scares, lumps,
odd turns,
but all in all,
not too bad,
almost handsome,
better at least than
some of those movie
star faces
like the cheeks of
a baby's
butt.

and finally I discovered
real feelings of
others,
unheralded,
like lately,
like this morning,
as I was leaving,
for the track,
i saw my wife in bed,
just the
shape of
her head there
(not forgetting
centuries of the living
and the dead and
the dying,
the pyramids,
Mozart dead
but his music still
there in the
room, weeds growing,
the earth turning,
the toteboard waiting for
me)
I saw the shape of my
wife's head,
she so still,
I ached for her life,
just being there
under the
covers.

I kissed her in the,
forehead,
got down the stairway,
got outside,
got into my marvelous
car,
fixed the seatbelt,
backed out the
drive.
feeling warm to
the fingertips,
down to my
foot on the gas
pedal,
I entered the world
once
more,
drove down the
hill
past the houses
full and empty
of
people,
I saw the mailman,
honked,
he waved
back
at me.

Charles Bukowski

lostinasong9 @ 2007-10-14T12:14:00

2007-10-14T19:16:00Z

I'm not mad at you for the decisions you have made,
I'm mad at you for not being the man I thought you were.

lostinasong9 @ 2007-10-13T10:59:00

2007-10-13T18:00:09Z

"Paper Wings"

One last thing I beg you please just before you go
I've watched you fly on paper wings halfway around the world
Until they burned up in the atmosphere and sent you spiraling down
landing somewhere far from here with no one else around
to catch you falling down
and I'm looking at you now

and I can't tell if you're laughing
between each smile there's a tear in your eye
there's a train leaving town in an hour
it's not waiting for you, and neither am I

"Swing for the fences, son" he must have told you once
but that was a conversation you took nothing from
so raise your glass now, lets celebrate exactly what you've done
just put off another day of knowing where you're from
you can catch up with yourself if you run...

and I can't tell if you're laughing
between each smile there's a tear in your eye
there's a train leaving town in an hour
it's not waiting for you, and neither am I

is this the life that you lead,
or the life that's lead for you?
will you take the road that's been laid out before you?
will we cross paths somewhere else tonight?
somewhere else tonight...

and I can't tell if you're laughing
between each smile there's a tear in your eye
there's a train leaving town in an hour
it's not waiting for you, and neither am I

when it rains it poors

2007-10-07T04:51:30Z

Gamblers All
By Charles Bukowski

sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think,
I'm not going to make it, but you laugh inside
remembering all the times you've felt that way, and
you walk to the bathroom, do your toilet, see that face
in the mirror, oh my oh my oh my, but you comb your hair anyway,
get into your street clothes, feed the cats, fetch the
newspaper of horror, place it on the coffee table, kiss your
wife goodbye, and then you are backing the car out into life itself,
like millions of others you enter the arena once more.

you are on the freeway threading through traffic now,
moving both towards something and towards nothing at all as you punch
the radio on and get Mozart, which is something, and you will somehow
get through the slow days and the busy days and the dull
days and the hateful days and the rare days, all both so delightful
and so disappointing because
we are all so alike and so different.

you find the turn-off, drive through the most dangerous
part of town, feel momentarily wonderful as Mozart works
his way into your brain and slides down along your bones and
out through your shoes.

it's been a tough fight worth fighting
as we all drive along
betting on another day.

lostinasong9 @ 2007-10-06T21:32:00

2007-10-07T04:44:09Z

New tattoo
got it last weekend when i was down in oceanside

i know i have lost my mind.
i have wanted it for a long time now and it just felt like the thing to do

I am trying so hard to keep it together, but im a mess.
I have no idea whats going on with anything.

lostinasong9 @ 2007-10-06T21:19:00

2007-10-07T04:32:15Z

Stolen....

Four jobs I have had (current job excluded):

1. Calabasas Saddlery, sales
2. Ventura Ortho, x-ray intern (aka office bitch)
3. Mervyns, worst job ever
4. Elan GMK, assistant

Four Films I have Watched Again and Again:

1. Empire Records, its a classic
2. Boondock Saints, just cause
3. Blues Brother, cause im always on a mission from god
4. Garden State, cause now i know what that feels like

Four Places I Have Lived:

1. Simi Valley, CA
2.
3.
4. i need to work on that....

Four Shows I Love to Watch:

1. West Wing, on DVD now
2. Greys Anatomy
3. Dirty Jobs, Mike is hot...
4. Brothers and Sisters

Four Places I Have Been on Vacation:

1. JacksonHole, WY
2. Cabo San Lucas, Baja Mexico
3. Nashville, TN
4. Victoria, BC Canada

Four of my Favorite Foods:

1. Sushi, tuna hummmmm
2. Greek anything
3. Lemon chicken
4. Fish anyway

Four of my Favorite Drinks:

1. Snapple lemon diet ice tea
2. Boba
3. Grapefruit juice
4. vodka cran

Four Places I Would Rather Be Right Now:

1. with him
2. Roma, Italy
3. Fiji
4. Madrid, Spain

lostinasong9 @ 2007-10-02T08:34:00

2007-10-02T15:39:25Z

someone find me

Yeah im ready for what ever and who ever is next.

Im far from the sit around and wait type. Its for the best.

lostinasong9 @ 2007-09-28T00:33:00

2007-09-28T07:37:53Z

I just got an Iphone, its amazing.

Im going to Sandy Ego this weekend to visit with a friend pre her boyfriend coming home from Iraq next weekend.

I just read Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas which is almost word for word like the movie.

I have been of my meds for about 2 weeks now, given those have been 2 very hard weeks (Ian leaving and all). Im doing well, I think I feel better with out the Lexipro then I ever did with it, I not sure I think my system is all out of wack (stress, lack of sleep, not eating).

I need to get to bed, I have to be up at 7 to leave.

lostinasong9 @ 2007-09-23T01:48:00

2007-09-23T09:08:51Z

Ah, I am on overload. Im having a hard time dealing with everything. I guess I had it coming. I knew it was going to be only a matter of time till the ceiling came crashing down. I have this fear that i am going to change in the next 15 months and Ian will get back and we wont have that spark we had before. I guess the real hard part is that there is this person I care about so much and I have no idea whats going to happen when he gets back. I had an amazing time in Tennessee, they were four days i will never forget. Ian is a truly awesome person, he gives me something so few others have. I wish we would have had more time. Im trying my best not to be upset about him going because i know its what he needs and wants to do right now. Its not like this is new to him, he had been in 6 years and this is his third deployment. I cant be weak about this, I need to try my best to be tough and support him as well as Cass and Daryl. Its only a year and a quarter. That time will seem to fly by if i keep my self busy. I just have to think about the future.

lostinasong9 @ 2007-09-19T17:51:00

2007-09-20T01:12:19Z

monday was the hardest day of my life so far

lostinasong9 @ 2007-09-11T20:52:00

2007-09-12T03:53:21Z

lostinasong9 Highway

Contentment Meadows	6
Mt. Happiness	17
Tower of Commitment	41
Bankruptcity	128
Valley of Depression	351
Please Drive Carefully

Where are you on the highway of life?

From Go-Quiz.com

lostinasong9 @ 2007-09-03T14:19:00

2007-09-03T21:20:03Z

The Luckiest

I don't get many things
right the first time
in fact, I am told that a lot
now I know all the wrong turns —
the stumbles and falls brought me here

and where was I before the day
that I first saw your lovely face
now I see it everyday
and I know

that I am, I am
I am the luckiest

what if I'd been born
fifty years before you
in a house
on the street where you lived
maybe I'd be outside
as you passed on your bike,
would I know?

and in a wide sea of eyes
I see one pair that I recognize
and I know

that I am, I am
I am the luckiest

I love you more than I have
ever found a way to say to you

next door there's an old man
who lived into his nineties
and one day passed away in his sleep
and his wife, she stayed
for a couple of days and passed away

I'm sorry I know that's a
strange way to tell you
that I know we belong
that I know

that I am, I am
I am the luckiest

lostinasong9 @ 2007-08-26T19:57:00

2007-08-27T02:59:29Z

there are no words to express how i feel.

i dont know how to deal
what i should do
how i should feel

lostinasong9 @ 2007-08-24T12:06:00

2007-08-24T19:07:08Z

Be my distraction.

I'm not crazy. I try to always follow my heart, and my instincts. I have no idea what my future holds, but I am not going to sit around and wait for it to find me. I don't want to look back on my life and regret a single thing. So I am flying across the country to see the one who holds my thoughts. I have no expectations other than to spend a few short days being happy with a truly amazing person. That's all you can really want out of life, a few short moments of happiness scattered in a life of normalcy.

rant

2007-08-22T04:39:03Z

I'm not a stupid girl, but I have my moments. I'm not an ugly girl, but I will never win a beauty contest. I'm not old, but I am wise beyond my years. I am always told I have an old soul but what does that mean? I have seen a lot, been through a lot, and dealt with a lot. I have been though things few others have. I shouldn’t be alive and I think about that every day of my life. I am thankful for technology, yet I hate it. I see the romance in hand written love letters and watching the clouds. I love lying in bed till noon with the one I care about, listing to obscure music that we can call our own. I don’t care for new things, I like the history and stories old things have to share. I hate rules and will never play by them, life is to short. I dream, a lot. I let my dreams run away with me. This could be why I will never be completely happy; life will never live up to my dreams. I say I want a lot, but I don’t. I’m a simple girl; it’s the small random things that count. I trust my pets more than I do most everyone else in the world. I do believe every vote counts, and maybe that’s why I follow politics. I have faith the world can be a better place if more people cared. I DONT think all is fair in love and war. All wars are about love at the root. The only difference between Troy and Iraq is what the love was or is for. It is a small world, were all more the same than we are different. We are all connected by the same blood, same needs, same emotions. We all need mother earth to survive. She takes care of us, yet we torture her. There is beauty in places unexpected; you just have to look for it. Maybe everyone just needs to look a little harder; find the beauty in your life and you can share it with the world.

DSCN2065

2007-08-20T02:52:08Z

DSCN2065
Originally uploaded by lostinasong9

I love the beach

lostinasong9 @ 2007-08-17T17:17:00

2007-08-18T00:23:11Z

Its way to hot to live.

Ah, all i want is a good rain storm. Good weather makes me sad.

I'm having mixed feelings about just about every part of my life. There is nothing im sure about right now and thats driving me crazy. I know waht I want out of life I'm just not sure about how to get it. All i know is that if I keep waiting for someone to show me it will never happen. SO for once in my life im going to put everything out there.

The heat is getting to me, I think im going to go and take a nap in the shower, lets hope i dont drown.

lostinasong9 @ 2007-08-13T10:02:00

2007-08-13T17:04:03Z

My new tattoo.
I have loved plumeria flowers for a long time and for graduation my mom bought me a outline necklace. A few days after graduation I met a guy who changed my life. This is my way to remember that time. Its about a month old.

oh this is funnnn

2007-08-11T21:13:52Z

Comment and (if you want) I'll give you a letter.
In your journal, list 10 of your favorite songs that begin with that letter. Today's letter is the letter H

1. Home From Home- Millencolin
2. Happy Death Day- Alien Ant Farm
3. Hate Every Beautiful Day- Sugarcult
4. Highway 101- Social Distortion
5. History WIll Teach Us Nothing- Sting
6. Hopeless Romantic- Bouncing Souls
7. Hoochie Woman- Tori Amos
8. Hey Jude- the Beatles
9. Here's Everything I've Always Meant To Say- Jamison Parker
10. Her Name In Blood- Strung Out

lostinasong9 @ 2007-08-10T20:30:00

2007-08-11T03:35:22Z

So I just bought my tickets to Kentucky!
September 14th I will be with Ian!
Ok I don't think I have been this excited about anything in a long long time.

lostinasong9 @ 2007-08-08T23:58:00

2007-08-09T06:59:00Z

Life is bitter sweet, but sometimes you just need to deal with the bitter and enjoy the sweet!

lostinasong9 @ 2007-08-08T23:55:00

2007-08-09T06:57:42Z

September 14 im going to see Ian!!!!!!!!!!

I'm happy as a kid in a candy store.

i like it

2007-08-08T22:54:21Z

Tonight we drink to youth
And holding fast to truth
(I don't want to lose what I had as a boy.)
My heart still has a beat
But love is now a feat.
(As common as a cold day in LA.)
Sometimes when I'm alone, I wonder
Is there a spell that I am under
Keeping me from seeing the real thing?

Love hurts...
But sometimes it's a good hurt
And it feels like I'm alive.
Love sings,
When it transcends the bad things.
Have a heart and try me,
'cause without love I won't survive.

I'm fettered and abused,
I stand naked and accused
(Should I surface this one man submarine?)
I only want the truth
So tonight we drink to youth!
(I'll never lose what I had as a boy.)
Sometimes when I'm alone I wonder
Is there a spell that I am under
Keeping me from seeing the real thing?

Love hurts...
But sometimes it's a good hurt
And it feels like I'm alive.
Love sings,
When it transcends the bad things.
Have a heart and try me,
'cause without love I won't survive.

lostinasong9 @ 2007-08-07T13:00:00

2007-08-07T20:23:20Z

I got to see and talk to Ian last night, web cam. It was so strange, but god how do I miss his face. I think more than anything it made me want to drive all day and night to see him. Were going out to see him but im not to sure just when yet. Ahh. I never understood why women would put them selves in this situation but now after knowing him it all makes sense. I feel like there is a part of me missing and when I talk to him it comes back. I dont know whats going to happen with us, but I was given a gift when I met him. Knowing him has made me a better person, you cant say that about many people.