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Oct. 16th, 2007

  • 4:33 PM
death

I love Mucha, always have.
I think its because my mom used to have this metal Mucha Whitmans box she would keep special pictures and notes it. I would always look at the girl on the box and think she was what beauty was supposed to be. 

its him

  • Oct. 14th, 2007 at 12:40 PM
death
 
Let It Enfold You
 
 
 either peace or happiness,
let it enfold you

when I was a young man
I felt these things were
dumb, unsophisticated.
I had bad blood, a twisted
mind, a precarious
upbringing.

I was hard as granite, I
leered at the
sun.
I trusted no man and
especially no
woman.

I was living a hell in
small rooms, I broke
things, smashed things,
walked through glass,
cursed.
I challenged everything,
was continually being
evicted, jailed,in and
out of fights, in and out
of my mind.
women were something
to screw and rail
at, I had no male
freinds,

I changed jobs and
cities, I hated holidays,
babies, history,
newspapers, museums,
grandmothers,
marriage, movies,
spiders, garbagemen,
english accents,spain,
france,italy,walnuts and
the color
orange.
algebra angred me,
opera sickened me,
charlie chaplin was a
fake
and flowers were for
pansies.

peace an happiness to me
were signs of
inferiority,
tenants of the weak
an
addled
mind.

but as I went on with
my alley fights,
my suicidal years,
my passage through
any number of
women-it gradually
began to occur to
me
that I wasn't different

from the
others, I was the same,

they were all fulsome
with hatred,
glossed over with petty
greivances,
the men I fought in
alleys had hearts of stone.
everybody was nudging,
inching, cheating for
some insignificant
advantage,
the lie was the
weapon and the
plot was
empty,
darkness was the
dictator.

cautiously, I allowed
myself to feel good
at times.
I found moments of
peace in cheap
rooms
just staring at the
knobs of some
dresser
or listening to the
rain in the
dark.
the less I needed
the better I
felt.

maybe the other life had worn me
down.
I no longer found
glamour
in topping somebody
in conversation.
or in mounting the
body of some poor
drunken female
whose life had
slipped away into
sorrow.

I could never accept
life as it was,
i could never gobble
down all its
poisons
but there were parts,
tenous magic parts
open for the
asking.

I re formulated
I don't know when,
date, time, all
that
but the change
occured.
something in me
relaxed, smoothed
out.
i no longer had to
prove that I was a
man,

I did'nt have to prove
anything.

I began to see things:
coffee cups lined up
behind a counter in a
cafe.
or a dog walking along
a sidewalk.
or the way the mouse
on my dresser top
stopped there
with its body,
its ears,
its nose,
it was fixed,
a bit of life
caught within itself
and its eyes looked
at me
and they were
beautiful.
then- it was
gone.

I began to feel good,
I began to feel good
in the worst situations
and there were plenty
of those.
like say, the boss
behind his desk,
he is going to have
to fire me.

I've missed too many
days.
he is dressed in a
suit, necktie, glasses,
he says, "I am going
to have to let you go"

"it's all right" I tell
him.

He must do what he
must do, he has a
wife, a house, children.
expenses, most probably
a girlfreind.

I am sorry for him
he is caught.

I walk onto the blazing
sunshine.
the whole day is
mine
temporailiy,
anyhow.

(the whole world is at the
throat of the world,
everybody feels angry,
short-changed, cheated,
everybody is despondent,
dissillusioned)

I welcomed shots of
peace, tattered shards of
happiness.

I embraced that stuff
like the hottest number,
like high heels, breasts,
singing,the
works.

(dont get me wrong,
there is such a thing as cockeyed optimism
that overlooks all
basic problems just for
the sake of
itself-
this is a shield and a
sickness.)

The knife got near my
throat again,
I almost turned on the
gas
again
but when the good
moments arrived
again
I did'nt fight them off
like an alley
adversary.
I let them take me,
i luxuriated in them,
I bade them welcome
home.
I even looked into
the mirror
once having thought
myself to be
ugly,
I now liked what
I saw,almost
handsome, yes,
a bit ripped and
ragged,
scares, lumps,
odd turns,
but all in all,
not too bad,
almost handsome,
better at least than
some of those movie
star faces
like the cheeks of
a baby's
butt.

and finally I discovered
real feelings of
others,
unheralded,
like lately,
like this morning,
as I was leaving,
for the track,
i saw my wife in bed,
just the
shape of
her head there
(not forgetting
centuries of the living
and the dead and
the dying,
the pyramids,
Mozart dead
but his music still
there in the
room, weeds growing,
the earth turning,
the toteboard waiting for
me)
I saw the shape of my
wife's head,
she so still,
I ached for her life,
just being there
under the
covers.

I kissed her in the,
forehead,
got down the stairway,
got outside,
got into my marvelous
car,
fixed the seatbelt,
backed out the
drive.
feeling warm to
the fingertips,
down to my
foot on the gas
pedal,
I entered the world
once
more,
drove down the
hill
past the houses
full and empty
of
people,
I saw the mailman,
honked,
he waved
back
at me.




Charles Bukowski

Oct. 14th, 2007

  • 12:14 PM
death
 I'm not mad at you for the decisions you have made,
I'm mad at you for not being the man I thought you were.

Oct. 13th, 2007

  • 10:59 AM
death

"Paper Wings"

One last thing I beg you please just before you go
I've watched you fly on paper wings halfway around the world
Until they burned up in the atmosphere and sent you spiraling down
landing somewhere far from here with no one else around
to catch you falling down
and I'm looking at you now

and I can't tell if you're laughing
between each smile there's a tear in your eye
there's a train leaving town in an hour
it's not waiting for you, and neither am I

"Swing for the fences, son" he must have told you once
but that was a conversation you took nothing from
so raise your glass now, lets celebrate exactly what you've done
just put off another day of knowing where you're from
you can catch up with yourself if you run...

and I can't tell if you're laughing
between each smile there's a tear in your eye
there's a train leaving town in an hour
it's not waiting for you, and neither am I

is this the life that you lead,
or the life that's lead for you?
will you take the road that's been laid out before you?
will we cross paths somewhere else tonight?
somewhere else tonight...

and I can't tell if you're laughing
between each smile there's a tear in your eye
there's a train leaving town in an hour
it's not waiting for you, and neither am I

when it rains it poors

  • Oct. 6th, 2007 at 9:50 PM
death

Gamblers All 
By Charles Bukowski





sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think,
I'm not going to make it, but you laugh inside
remembering all the times you've felt that way, and
you walk to the bathroom, do your toilet, see that face
in the mirror, oh my oh my oh my, but you comb your hair anyway,
get into your street clothes, feed the cats, fetch the
newspaper of horror, place it on the coffee table, kiss your
wife goodbye, and then you are backing the car out into life itself,
like millions of others you enter the arena once more.

you are on the freeway threading through traffic now,
moving both towards something and towards nothing at all as you punch
the radio on and get Mozart, which is something, and you will somehow
get through the slow days and the busy days and the dull
days and the hateful days and the rare days, all both so delightful
and so disappointing because
we are all so alike and so different.

you find the turn-off, drive through the most dangerous
part of town, feel momentarily wonderful as Mozart works
his way into your brain and slides down along your bones and
out through your shoes.

it's been a tough fight worth fighting
as we all drive along
betting on another day.

Oct. 6th, 2007

  • 9:32 PM
death
New tattoo
got it last weekend when i was down in oceanside

i know i have lost my mind.
i have wanted it for a long  time now and it just felt like the thing to do


I am trying so hard to keep it together, but im a mess.
I have no idea whats going on with anything.

Oct. 6th, 2007

  • 9:19 PM
death
Stolen....



Four jobs I have had (current job excluded):

1. Calabasas Saddlery, sales
2. Ventura Ortho, x-ray intern (aka office bitch)
3. Mervyns, worst job ever
4. Elan GMK, assistant


Four Films I have Watched Again and Again:

1. Empire Records, its a classic
2. Boondock Saints, just cause
3. Blues Brother, cause im always on a mission from god
4. Garden State, cause now i know what that feels like


Four Places I Have Lived:

1. Simi Valley, CA
2.
3.
4. i need to work on that....

Four Shows I Love to Watch:

1. West Wing, on DVD now
2. Greys Anatomy
3. Dirty Jobs, Mike is hot...
4. Brothers and Sisters


Four Places I Have Been on Vacation:

1. JacksonHole, WY
2. Cabo San Lucas, Baja Mexico
3. Nashville, TN
4. Victoria, BC Canada


Four of my Favorite Foods:

1. Sushi, tuna hummmmm
2. Greek anything
3. Lemon chicken
4. Fish anyway


Four of my Favorite Drinks:

1. Snapple lemon diet ice tea
2. Boba
3. Grapefruit juice
4. vodka cran


Four Places I Would Rather Be Right Now:

1. with him
2. Roma, Italy
3. Fiji
4. Madrid, Spain

Oct. 2nd, 2007

  • 8:34 AM
death
someone find me

Yeah im ready for what ever and who ever is next.


Im far from the sit around and wait type. Its for the best.

Sep. 28th, 2007

  • 12:33 AM
death
I just got an Iphone, its amazing.

Im going to Sandy Ego this weekend to visit with a friend pre her boyfriend coming home from Iraq next weekend.

I just read Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas which is almost word for word like the movie.

I have been of my meds for about 2 weeks now, given those have been 2 very hard weeks (Ian leaving and all). Im doing well, I think I feel better with out the Lexipro then I ever did with it, I not sure I think my system is all out of wack (stress, lack of sleep, not eating).

I need to get to bed, I have to be up at 7 to leave.

Sep. 23rd, 2007

  • 1:48 AM
death
Ah, I am on overload. Im having a hard time dealing with everything. I guess I had it coming. I knew it was going to be only a matter of time till the ceiling came crashing down. I have this fear that i am going to change in the next 15 months and Ian will get back and we wont have that spark we had before. I guess the real hard part is that there is this person I care about so much and I have no idea whats going to happen when he gets back. I had an amazing time in Tennessee, they were four days i will never forget. Ian is a truly awesome person, he gives me something so few others have. I wish we would have had more time. Im trying my best not to be upset about him going because i know its what he needs and wants to do right now. Its not like this is new to him, he had been in 6 years and this is his third deployment. I cant be weak about this, I need to try my best to be tough and support him as well as Cass and Daryl. Its only a year and a quarter. That time will seem to fly by if i keep my self busy. I just have to think about the future.